The Thing That Was Not a Date

I’ve toyed with the idea of writing down these events for some time now, but I was reluctant to because, well, they are rather embarrassing for all involved, and they just really solidify the fact that I am a hopeless social reject. But after a recent discussion with some friends, I decided I just have to fully embrace this part of me and be proud that I am climbing the stairway to spinsterhood. Plus, there are a lot of other people out there who feel they are social rejects and that their lives really suck because of this. My hope is that through reading these stories they will realize their lives really aren’t that bad at all.

As a note beforehand, these stories involve boys acting really stupid, so much so that I think they would be really embarrassed by their behavior if they were to read these stories. For this reason, as well as the fact that several of these boys are indeed on facebook, the names of all boys will be changed. To make it easier to know who is supposed to be with who, each boy’s fake name will start with the same letter as the name of the girl he is supposed to be with.

Well this first story (which I refer to as The Thing That Was Not a Date, for reasons which will be revealed later on) occurred during my sophomore year of college. I was nineteen years old and quite despondent because I had not as yet gone on a single date in my life. I’d always heard that if you never dated in high school, it was okay, because once you got to college people stopped being superficial and you’d go on lots of dates. I figured that would be especially true at BYU, which has the largest population of single Mormon people looking to get married. Mormons are known for getting married younger than everyone else and also for having significantly shorter periods of dating/engagement. (My personal theory for why this is is because, A, Mormons believe marriage in the temple is necessary for their salvation, and B, there is absolutely no sex whatsoever allowed before marriage. But that is really all beside the point. I’ll get back to the story.) Anyways, I was nineteen, almost twenty, and had never been on a date. Ever. And I think my roommates felt bad for me. One of my roommates, Biz, was dating this guy who was a student at the University of Utah, whom we will name Bob. I had met Bob on a few occasions, and based on these few brief meetings, he apparently had this friend who he thought would be perfect for me. (Come to find out later that this was all based on the fact that I happened to enjoy one or two movies that this friend of his also enjoyed, which apparently means we were meant for each other.) I was excited by this, but it was all a little too awkward for me, since I had no experience with dating whatsoever, let alone going on a blind date. So Biz came up with this idea that we would have this sort of apartment group date. There were two other roommates who were interested in this, so we had to arrange who would go with whom. Biz would go with Bob, I would go with Bob’s friend, who we’ll call Lenny, and then we just needed to find dates for Megan and Sul-Hea. Sul-Hea knew this guy that she sort of liked, so she asked him. I won’t even bother to give him a fake name because he plays no part in the story whatsoever except to say that he was there. Megan didn’t have any guy in particular that she wanted to ask, so Biz arranged for one of her guy friends, a guy we’ll name Mark, to go along. We had all met Mark briefly a time or two, and he seemed nice enough. So it was supposed to be Biz and Bob, me and Lenny, Sul-Hea and her date, and Megan and Mark.

Well the evening for the big event arrived. I was excited because I thought I was finally moving into becoming a fully-functional adult by dating. I spent more time than I normally would getting ready and trying to make myself look nice because I wanted to make a good impression. Sul-Hea’s date met us at our apartment, I believe, and I think that Mark did too. Then we all walked over to the bowling alley in the Wilkinson Student Center, where we would meet Bob and Lenny, who were driving down from Salt Lake. We got there and waited and waited. They were a bit late, which should have been an indication of how the evening would go. But finally they got there. (I think they had come together, but in separate cars or something weird like that; I don’t really know.) I had never met this Lenny guy and had no idea what he looked like, but when I saw him walking in with Bob, I admit I was a little bit disappointed. He was kind of fat, kind of dumpy, kind of sloppy, and kind of arrogant. Now, I know how terrible and judgmental that sounds. Especially since I am fat myself. But just on a side rant, just because you have that problem, that doesn’t mean you have to let everything else go. I mean, I have that problem, but I still make an effort to at least look and act presentable. This guy didn’t. But I figured, hey, I hate it when people judge me like that, so I won’t judge him. There could be a really sweet, nice guy underneath there. So I went over where they were, where we had established ourselves on one of the bowling lanes. Lenny was told everyone’s names, including mine, but he for some strange reason which I still do not fully understand, Lenny attached himself onto Mark almost immediately. These two straight, Mormon guys had never met before, and each was supposed to be on a date with a girl there, however casual, and yet they took the two chairs together at the head of the lane and immediately became engrossed in a deep conversation. I was a little taken aback. I had never been on a date before and so I didn’t really know how it all should work, but I figured that the guy should at least say hi to you at the beginning of it. But he didn’t. He was told my name, and I said hi to him, but he gave me no response and even turned away from me. But I told myself, maybe he’s just really shy around girls and just doesn’t know how to act. I can certainly understand that. I’m freakishly shy around guys sometimes and I never know how to act (although I know enough to say hello to someone when introduced because that’s basic social protocol regardless of gender or social situation/setting). So I figured I would just try to worm my way into the conversation somehow. So I sat there, not knowing what to do, as Lenny and Mark were embroiled in this conversation. Every once in awhile I would try to act interested in what they were saying, and a few times I tried to make comments or ask Lenny a question to show my interest. Every single time, however, when I would ask him something, he would stop talking to Mark, turn to me with this annoyed look on his face like he couldn’t understand how I could be so rude as to interrupt him when he was talking to Mark, and then say abruptly, “I don’t know.” Then he would turn back to Mark and be like, “So, ANYWAY, Mark….” and act like I had committed some terrible social faux pas. After a few attempts like this I saw that this guy was a jerk and decided I’d try to just have fun, even though my face was beet red with embarrassment and I was close to tears. I joked around with Megan a lot, who was also not having a great time. True, her date wasn’t supposed to be romantic or anything, and he was there more as a favor to Biz, but he still should have at least been being friendly with her, not becoming bosom buddies with Lenny. So I tried to be polite and nice and act like I was having fun bowling, but it was difficult because my roommates were getting annoyed with me because they thought I was ignoring Lenny and not trying hard enough to talk to him. Every time one of them would whisper in my ear with annoyance that I was not trying hard enough, that I just needed to put myself out there more, I would just hiss back “I’m trying!” and try my hardest not to cry. You see, they felt that that was why guys never asked me out, when in reality it’s because guys are superficial and don’t ask out fat girls or even be friends with them most of the time out of fear of what their friends will say to them. (Sounds jaded, I know, but I have nearly a quarter century’s worth of experience on this one, and if you ask any fat girl you know, they will tell you it is true.) Well, anyways, the bowling went on like this, and I was trying to not become visibly angry over how it was playing out.

Well finally we finished bowling, which meant we would move on to phase two of the group date--walking over to the Creamery for some ice cream and more scintillating conversation. As soon as we got out the doors Lenny attached himself to Mark’s side so they could walk together and continue their conversation (if they had linked elbows together I would not have been surprised). I thought this was kind of rude, since Lenny was supposed to be walking to the Creamery with me, not Mark. My roommates kept pushing me and shoving me, trying to get me to walk with Lenny. But every time I would remain firm in my footings, because two things had become very obvious to me: one, that Lenny did not want to walk with me, and two, that there was literally no room on the sidewalk beside Lenny because he and Mark were taking up the entire berth of the sidewalk. So finally I slowed and walked with Megan, and we started our own loud conversation in German about how we were not having a good time and how this evening really sucked. We got to the Creamery and got in line. And needless to say, I paid for my own ice cream, since Lenny got in line way ahead of me, paid for his own, and then went and sat with Mark. So I bought something (even though I was not in the mood and had no appetite to eat it) and we all sat around eating. I tried to look happy and act like I was having a great time, but inside I was fuming.

Afterwards someone had the idea to continue this wonderful evening in our apartment lobby. It would apparently be fun to watch a movie or play a game or something, and when it was revealed that I happened to own Cranium, it was decided that we would all go and play Cranium. We got back to the lobby and I went inside and got the game. I think Sul-Hea’s date decided to head home around this time, or they might have even left after bowling; I don’t remember, but I don’t remember them being there for Cranium because it wouldn’t be that fun for them, considering she was from Korea and spoke hardly any English and he was from Mexico and spoke hardly any English. So anyways, it was decided that we would play with three teams of two. Any normal human being would assume that each of these teams would consist of the couples, but immediately Lenny shouted out “I want to be on Mark’s team!” So Lenny and Mark were on a team together, Megan and I formed a team, and Biz and Bob were a team. Lenny and Mark continued their conversation throughout the game. I don’t even remember if we finished the game or not. I think I’ve tried to block as much of the evening as possible from my memory, but obviously on the whole was unsuccessful. Well at some point, either during the game or afterwards, Mark stood and announced that he had to go. Lenny literally jumped up from the couch and was like, “Hey, you know what, I have my car, I can give you a ride.” So Mark said good-bye to everyone and they left, side-by-side, still embroiled in this deep conversation they were having.

And like that, it was over. I put the game back in the box and went inside our apartment. Megan went in, too, and I think Biz and Bob lingered outside for a few minutes and then he went home. I don’t remember what we all did afterwards. I was pretty disgusted myself and probably just wanted to go veg somewhere. But it was either later that evening, or else like the next day, I went to use Biz’s computer (she had told me I could use it whenever I wanted to, as long as she wasn’t using it or didn’t need to use it). Usually when I would get on I would just minimize whatever applications she had running without looking at them because they were none of my business and do whatever I needed to do. However, this time when I went on and went to minimize the messenger conversation she had been having, my own name popped out of the screen at me. Now, to this day I feel really guilty about this, and Biz, if you read this and decide you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I totally understand. And I swear that this was the only time in my life I have ever done anything like this. But they were talking about me, and I had to know what they said. So I looked. What I saw was basically Mark remarking how he’d probably be in the doghouse for awhile for concocting this horrible evening, and then both of them agreeing that the reason it didn’t work out between Lenny and me was because we were just way too much alike. I was shocked when I saw that. I thought the reason it hadn’t worked out was because Lenny was a jerk and had no social skills whatsoever. (No hello? No good-bye? What’s up with that?) Then I thought, maybe I am a jerk. If they think that he and I are alike, I must be a jerk, too. I don’t want to be a jerk! I was distressed by the possibility that I had ever behaved so horribly to anyone as he had behaved to me. So I went into Megan’s room and closed the door and asked her flat out if this was true, if I was like that to other people, because I didn’t intend to be or want to be. I thought I must be unaware of the problem, and desperately wanted to fix it if I indeed was like that. Megan told me that, no, she didn’t think I was like that, and that her perception was that Lenny had had some preconceived notion of what I would be like in his head, and when he saw me I didn’t physically fit that description, so he decided to ignore me. This made me feel better, at least about myself, anyway.

So after all this, I decided that this really must not have been a date after all. It was supposed to be. I went there with the understanding that it would be. But in order for it to be a date there are some things which are necessary: saying hello, introducing yourself, being at least civil to the person you’re supposed to be there with, and saying good-bye at the end. None of those things occurred. So I am telling myself that there was some miscommunication that occurred somewhere. I went there under the impression that it was a group date, but he went there under the impression that he was just going to be hanging out with some people. Which would sort of explain his rude behavior. But if he didn’t know it was supposed to be a date, it couldn’t really be considered a date, right? In any event, I refer to it as The Thing That Was Not a Date, and I do not include it in my lifetime tally of the total number of dates I have gone on. Yes, I have an official tally. And it is shockingly low. But you’ll have to read several more of these sad, pathetic stories to find out exactly what that number currently is.